Author Archives: Kellen
Provision
Last Friday, I was supposed to go to Tara & Joe’s for dinner when Tara called me and said she & Hayden had the flu. Even though she said she didn’t need anything, I went to the grocery store to buy crackers, ginger ale, and pedialyte since I had money left in my grocery budget and was leaving the next day for Christmas break. I bought the stuff, took it to Tara’s, and went about my evening. When I went to update my budget, I had budgeted $60 for groceries for the month. I saw that I had only spent $33.40, which meant I had $26.60 left. The stuff for Tara & her family amounted to $27.19.. a difference of 59 cents. God is so awesome 🙂
Snapshots
It’s amazing how things that are so far-removed from your everyday life still have amazing power over you when you’re alone, it’s quiet, and the lights are out or when you’re just driving on the highway or just going about your day.
One of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged not too long ago. I was kind of expecting it, so I wasn’t too surprised. I felt prepared to log onto Facebook and see it (since that’s how everyone finds out anything about anyone). What I wasn’t prepared for was how it would affect me..
Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of things that I’ve done in the past. Whenever an ex-boyfriend pops up in my head, memories–ones that sometimes I wish I could forget–come flooding into my head like a box full of snapshots being dumped on the ground. I know this is happening because they weren’t just boyfriends; they were my husbands in God’s eyes. But for some reason, finding out that he is engaged has been so difficult that it’s bringing all of this up. He was who I pictured my life with, who I began planning my life around, and who I cried and agonized over for months after we broke up. Although I’m grateful for the difficult experiences in my life because they were what brought me to God, I think a small part of me still misses him and what we had together. Most of my flashbacks are of memories that I have from our relationship–parts of our relationship that were meant only for marriage. I had another flashback tonight, but this one was a little different.
After I had the flashback, my mind flipped to something that my pastor Jim had told me a while ago, and I felt like a little piece of my heart broke.
I met with Jim almost 2 months ago to discuss some things I had been struggling with. I told him how I want to get married and have a family, that I know my life wouldn’t be happier or easier with a husband, and that I’m not sure why I have such a desire for a marriage. I told him I’m scared to be in a relationship. I told him that I’m still owning and identifying myself by the things I did in the past. I told him that I think I sometimes settle for guys who fit my old standard because I don’t feel like I’m “Christian” enough for a truly godly man. After I poured my heart out to him, he asked me a few questions..
Jim: “You have a long history of relationships? Starting at about the age of 15?”
Me: “13”
Jim: “Sexually active?”
I nodded.
Jim: “At what age?”
Me: “16”
From there, he went on to describe what he would say to his son if he wanted to marry me..
“Son, she’s a sweet girl.. a godly girl.. but you do need to know that she has a past. You can’t hold that against her because God has forgiven her, but it will be something that you’ll have to work through if you marry her. Don’t be surprised if someday you wake up beside her and feel resentment because someone else has been there before.”
Then, Jim told me that there are Christian guys who will only date girls who have never done anything “wrong,” but there are also more mature ones who will see what God has done in my life. He told me I don’t want someone who is going to hold my past against me, but I don’t want someone who will gloss over it either because that means “they don’t think much of sin.”
“You want whoever you marry to mourn over your past with you.”
But the main thing that sticks out from that conversation is Jim mimicking what my future husband might say to me as I’m looking down & crying, telling me to look at him, and saying,
“Sweetheart, you are white as snow.”
It was probably one of the most uncomfortable, humbling, amazing moments of my life. It also made it so much more clear what it would be like for Jesus to say that to me. That’s what my mind flipped to after my flashback tonight. Jesus. Crying with his face in his hands. Mourning over my lost purity. And my heart broke. I kept praying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And then I pictured Jesus telling me I’m white as snow. Washed. Pure. Clean.
I know who I am in God because of what Jesus has done for me. And I’m so tempted to say, “But…” and follow it with a million statements like, “I’ve messed up so bad,” “I still struggle with flashbacks of my past,” “I’m still a total screw-up,” etc. The reality is:
Yes, I’ve messed up.
Yes, I still struggle with flashbacks of my past.
Yes, I’m still a total screw-up.
…BUT…
I’ve got a Savior who’s sacrifice is bigger than all of it.
The Mission of God – Matt Chandler
I love sermons. They’re almost like spoken pieces of art. One of my favorite pastors to listen to is Matt Chandler. I love that he speaks the Truth boldly, yet lovingly. Whenever I listen to sermons at home, they’re usually ones that he’s preached. My friend Rachel suggested that I listen to the “Mission” sermon series from August. I started listening to the first one–The Mission of God–and heard things in the first 5 minutes that I wanted to write down. So I thought I’d write my notes in a blog post.
– You can love the Lord and find yourself in extremely dark places.
– You don’t have to pretty up the Christian faith. The Christian faith isn’t that you’re great. The Christian faith is that He’s great despite you not being great.
– The Psalms are not cute; they don’t belong on t-shirts.
– To be 99% known is to be unknown. You’ve got areas of your life that you’ve pulled back. You’re trying to throw out this aura of being better off than you are, more capable than you are, not stuck in the things that you’re stuck in. You have given the enemy a foothold that he will joyfully take advantage of. It’s why it’s not enough for you to simply be in community, but to, in that community, be honest about where you are–even if that’s, “I’m in a dark place.”
– Don’t over-spiritualize your struggles. Sometimes you just need help; sometimes it’s a chemical issue, and you just need to get help. It’s called common grace; if you need help, get help. It’s a safe place for you to struggle with whatever as long as you’re willing to struggle.
– Take advantage of the weapons God’s given you to combat despair.
– You’ve been given other brothers & sisters that are as imperfect as you are. Sometimes what people around you need is not for you to be strong, but for you to be weak. And in your weakness they’re encouraged, and in your weakness, they’re pushed further into their relationship with Christ. Don’t hide in your despair; it never ends well. I’m not saying you’ll take your life. I’m just saying you’ll isolate yourself and you’ll rob yourself of the joy that Christ died to bring you.
– Tragedy… is one of the few things that kind of wakes you up from the routine you begin to walk in. When [tragedy] occurs, it kind of wakes you up and you see [what’s important]. But on a normal day, those lines are very blurry. On a normal day, just a regular Monday, what’s ultimately important and what’s not so important, that’s kind of a grey area. But in tragedy, all that becomes clear. And so routine & rhythm can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. It’s a good thing because you need rhythm and you need routine in order to be productive and to work hard and to make the most of the life God has given you. Routine & rhythm become a bad thing when you forget why you began the routine & rhythm in the first place.
– What is the mission of God? What’s the point of all this? So if you look at creation, it seems a little bit superfluous, doesn’t it? If you begin to look at the universe, it just goes on and on and on and on and the stars and the earth.. I mean, it just seems a bit over-the-top. If our God is the Creator God, He creates everything that is, everything macro, everything micro.. if He’s involved in where the stars stay and He’s involved in your cellular mitosis, what’s He doing? What’s His mission? What’s He about? What’s He trying to accomplish? I think what people do is they look at the world and they look at themselves and through our cultural lens, they assume that God’s mission is about us: “The reason everything exists is so that God might save me, might rescue me, might in the end ultimately have children like we have children where we want to see them mature, we want to see them safe, we want to see them well put-together.. that’s kinda like the mission of God.” They’ll point to the fact that God created us, they’ll point to all the verses in the Bible where God loves us, He provides for us, He cares for us, He shields us, He protects us. They’ll point to that and go, “See.. isn’t it obvious? We’re the point. We’re what God is after.” God is for you. God does love you. God does provide for you. He is a shield about you. He is the lifter of your head. But there’s a motivation behind all that lifting, protecting, guiding, and love that goes well-beyond you. (Psalm 23:1-3) You can see God’s activity towards us; it looks like we are the point. You can do this in a hundred other texts.. except the root of His motivation for all that shepherding, leading, lying in green pastures, leading to still waters, restoring of the soul is clear in the text. Look at [verse] 3 again.. “He restores my soul, He leads me in paths of righteousness for…” what? “His name’s sake.” So why does God love you? What does God pursue you? Why does God shepherd you? Why does God care for you? It’s not because of you. It’s for the sake of His name; it’s for the praise of His glorious grace.
– If you’re the point, everything falls apart.
SCRIPTURE ABOUT GOD’S GLORY
1. Isaiah 43:6-7 — the reason you exist is for the glory of God, the name & the renown of God, & the praise of His infinite perfections
2. Isaiah 49 — God calls Israel for His glory
3. Jeremiah 13 — God delights in making much of himself through people who are lacking
4. Psalm 106 – God rescues Egypt for His glory
5. Romans 9 – God raises up Pharaoh to show His power & His glory
6. Exodus 14 – God defeats Pharaoh by the Red Sea to show His glory
7. Ezekiel 20 – God spared Israel in the wilderness for the glory of His name
8. 2 Samuel – God gave Israel in the Promised Land for the glory of His name
9. 1 Samuel – God did not cast away His people for the glory of His name
10. 2 Kings – God saved Jerusalem from attack for the glory of His name
11. Ezekiel 36 – God restored Israel from exile for the glory of His name
12. John 7 – Jesus sought the glory of His father in all that He did
13. Matthew 5 – Jesus told us to do good works so that God would get glory
14. 1 Peter 2 – Jesus warned that not seeking God’s glory makes faith impossible (certain actions, certain behaviors like church attendance, like being a good person, you believe you when you don’t feel like you’re owed, you’ll get frustrated that God has not given you what He never promised to give you. The good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not that everything starts working out your way. The good news of the Gospel is that God is enough regardless of your circumstances. You get Jesus. That’s the Gospel. You can’t have saving faith if you’re really in this for you.)
15. John 14 – Jesus said that He answers prayers that God would be glorified
16. John 12, 17 – Jesus endured His final hours of suffering for the glory of God
17. John 13 – God gave His son to vindicate the glory of His righteousness
18. Isaiah 43:25, Psalm 25 – God forgives our sin for His own sake
19. Romans 15 – Jesus receives us into his fellowship for the glory of God
20. John 16 – The ministry of the Holy Spirit is the glorify the Son of God
21. 1 Corinthians 10:31 – God instructs us to do everything for His glory
22. 1 Peter 4 – God tells us to serve in a way that will glorify Him
23. 2 Thessalonians 1:9-10 – Jesus is coming again for the glory of God
24. Habakkuk 2 – God’s plan is to fill the earth with the knowledge of His glory
25. Romans 11 – Everything that happens will redound for the glory of God
26. Revelation 23 – In the new Jerusalem, the glory of God replaces the sun
– The point of the Bible is God; it’s not you. You’re not even in 2nd place.
– If God is after the praise of His glorious grace, then He is not after my begrudging submission, but rather after my joy so that all the commands in Scripture are about God lining you up with how He designed things to be for your greater joy.
– How unbelievably arrogant it is of you to say “I’m here for a second in the scope of eternity and I know better for me, what’s going to lead me into joy, than the One who created all things and wired all things.”
– God’s commands on our lives are meant to lead us into delight, joy. What about suffering? What do you do with those moments that are hard, that are painful? How is God increasing my joy in allowing dark days to come? By being enough on those dark days.
– God leads us into joy in suffering by being present and sustaining through that suffering.
– The love of God towards me as a sinner is not God making much of me, but rather Him freeing me up to make much of Him.
– We’re simply tapping into this deep, base purpose of our existence, which is worship. When you go to that concert and you’ve got that feeling of all that energy and you’re just kinda caught up in this euphoric moment, the reason that feels so good is it’s what you were created for. The problem is what you’re worshiping continues to fail you… So you have to look for another high, another worship experience. If you start to think about sports and music… we do with those things what God has commanded us to do with Him.
– What God has enabled me to do in saving me is to spend my days making much of Him. And He never gets old, and He never lets me down, and He never ever runs out of areas for me to gaze up and to wonder at and to make much of.
– The most spectacular place where you see a man set free to glory in God is when suffering is occurring and all they have is praise for Him because that goes against the grain.
– If God is for God, and our joy is inseparably linked to God being for God, and God’s salvation of us is not ultimately about us but rather setting us free to make much of Him, then Heaven is a ever-increasing experience of these glories. (Ephesians 2 – In the coming ages, God will show to us the riches of His grace in Christ Jesus.) A billion years from now, those of you who are believers will just be scratching the surface of how infinite the joy of God is.
– You have got to get over YOU. You’re not the point, and the more you think you’re the point, the more you will be enslaved to a thousand vices. When you’re the point, you use others. When you’re the point, you will easily be angered and bothered by others… When things don’t line up like you want them to line up, you’re just seething looking for someone to blame. Why? Because it’s about you. But when it’s not about you, you’re free. When it’s not about you, you get to extend grace, When it’s not about you, you get to rest. When it’s not about you, you get to breathe, When it’s not about you, you’ll sleep better. When it’s not about you, you’ll be happier. I don’t use the word happy. Happy is cheap substitute for joy, and it’s fleeting. But I’ll straight up throw this out.. when it’s not about you, you’ll be happier. But when it is about you, the more I think you’ll be miserable.
I am truly blown away by how amazing God is and how much greater His plan is than anything any person could ever come up with. I pray that I can continue learning how to make much of Him with my life rather than much of myself, my life, my desires, etc. I’m so thankful to be His child 🙂
Passion
My Monvee account has been on the fritz. I got an e-mail from the support people saying they were looking into an issue that I had reported and could not find my account. They told me I would have to re-create my account, complete the assessment again, etc. Annoying. Ironically, sometimes life’s inconveniences are exactly what we need.
I just started reading Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul by Erwin McManus as part of my new Monvee plan. I’m currently on page 9, and there have already been a lot of passages that have stuck out to me:
“What was really important became very clear to us, and it was the important things that really mattered. It was such a great trip, so much fun, the kind of adventure you live for. You know, the kind of experience you avoid at all costs, but when it’s unavoidable, it changes you when you’ve made it through.”
I think what made this stick out to me so much is all that happened this summer in terms of losing my best friend for unknown reasons. I can’t say that it’s been an enjoyable experience, but it has been a good experience. I still have questions that have gone unanswered and probably always will, but I’ve come to terms with that. What has been the most amazing about this experience is not that it didn’t destroy me but that I’ve flourished because of it. Yes, it was difficult, but it’s amazing how much more good came out of it than bad. I’ve grown immensely as a person and in my relationship with God over the last few months, and for that, I wouldn’t trade anything.
“In Romans 7:5 Paul writes, “For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death.” Paul is just stating the obvious. We do what we do because we love it. We desire it. When we sin, it is for no more profound reason than we enjoy it. Of course there is also the added dynamic that the very nature of those things that are counted as sin have a corrosive, corrupting, and addictive nature to them. That’s why they’re called sins. Their very essence will destroy you and most likely damage or hurt those closest to you. Nevertheless, the fuel of these destructive patterns is passion, and the process of transformation requires a revolution of your passions.”
I was actually just thinking about this yesterday. (I think God was setting me up.) My passions need to be revolutionized; I tend to settle for far less than what God has designed me for. Instead of spending time with Him and letting Him fulfill me and fuel my passion for Him, I tend to settle for watching TV, working on stuff for school, or doing some arts & crafts stuff. While none of those things are inherently bad, they often replace the time I should be spending with God.
One of the other things I chose for my Monvee plan was practicing solitude. There is a list of questions that the program gives you and one of them is “What troubles you or makes you uncomfortable about being alone?” When I first read this, I thought someone was spying on me. And then I realized that maybe I’m not so weird when it comes to the things that I struggle with. Why do we struggle with being in solitude so much? What is it about being alone with God that makes us anxious? That’s a whole other blog post, but I think it has something to do with mud pies:
“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition [insert the internet, smartphones and sports here] when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” – C.S. Lewis
I can’t wait to hang out with C.S. Lewis in Heaven. It’ll probably be pretty legit.
“The goal of the Christian journey cannot be the elimination of desire and passion since the Scriptures teach that God created us in His image and likeness, and a part of this reflection of God is a heart designed for passionate living. It has never been God’s intention to move us toward apathetic living. He desires that we live passionate lives in Him. Rather than eliminate our passions, He intends to overwhelm them with new passions. The furnace of our passions is our character, and while evil character burns hot for destructive passions that consume and destroy, the character of God ignites passion for what is good and true. Our quest is to have God’s character formed in us so that His passions might burn in us.”
This is what I’m striving for–to find my passion in godly things. I feel like I’ve been on the brink of joyful, passionate living on and off over the past couple of weeks. The days when it’s “on” are so wonderful; I feel so alive, and God’s presence is so apparent. However, I don’t always have the energy to be “on,” and it’s in these times that I need to learn to draw my energy from God so that I can continue to be passionate and shine His light for other people to see.
Lord, I pray that you will renew my passion for You and Your Kingdom. Please help me to look past the things of this world that are merely temporary entertainment and invest in things that matter. God, You obviously know I can’t do it by myself because I fail miserably every time I try. This is something that only You can change in me, and I pray that you’ll help me to not act like such an “ignorant child” even though apart from you, that’s what I am. Thank you for my life, God. Now please help me to really live. I love you.
Renovation
This blog hasn’t exactly been what I hoped it would be. My plan for it was to be a place to reflect on things that I’m learning about God, Jesus, church, the Christian life, etc. I feel like it’s turned out to be a place where I mostly write about my own life, and not necessarily in the context of how God is working in it. My plan is to change that and figure out some way to renovate this blog and make it more about God. I’m thinking that I’ll start using it as a platform for reflecting during my quiet times, which would make the blog more Scripture-centered and hold me accountable at the same time. I’ll continue to write about books & sermons and post videos as well. Every now and then there may be a “Life Happenings” post if God was clearly working, but aside from those instances, I’m hoping to minimize these types of posts. I’m trusting that God will lead me in the right direction with this blog and that it will help someone, even if it’s just one person. I’m not too sure anyone really reads this anyway, but I feel like I need to write it 🙂
My Advocate
Tonight was the third week that our college-age group met for a Bible study over 1 John. Each lesson so far has required us to tear apart the text by looking at the original meaning of the Scriptures in Greek, looking for different connections and repeated words, etc. For Lesson 3, the homework was over 1 John 2:1-17. Last night, I met with my friend Jenny and her roommates Vikki and Emily to go over our observations and discuss the questions. Right away, our conversation turned to the use of the word “advocate” in verse 1:
“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.” – 1 John 2:1 (ESV)
The word “advocate” in the Greek is “paraklētos,” which is used only 5 times in the NT, all by John. Other than in 1 John 2:1, it’s found in John 14:16, 14:26, 15:26, and 16:7. However, in the latter 4 verses , “paraklētos” is translated as “counselor” (in the ESV) rather than “advocate” and is in reference to the Holy Spirit rather than Jesus. This was really interesting to me because I typically think of the Holy Spirit guiding or counseling me, but I don’t apply this concept to Jesus. For me, Jesus’s sacrifice has never seemed so personal; of course I believe He died for my sins, but I’ve seen it as more of an all-inclusive act rather than Him advocating specifically for me. Vikki said it best when she said, “It just sounds so much more personal, like Jesus is saying to God, ‘I’ve got that one; she’s mine.'” It’s like Jesus is fighting for each and every one of us individually. It’s very humbling and makes me even more thankful to be His.
In other versions of the Bible, “paraklētos” is translated as “intercessor,” “helper,” “comforter,” “pleader,” “counsel of defense,” and “Priest-Friend.” All of these words describe who Jesus is or can be for us if we let Him, but so often I don’t feel like I’m completely accepting the fact that Jesus has advocated on my behalf, interceded for me, helped me, comforted me, pleaded for me, and defended me; the significance of what He’s done for me doesn’t seem like it’s ever fully sank in. I don’t know if it ever fully sinks in, but I so desperately want it to. I want to feel the love that Jesus has for me and live my life out of that love. But I wonder if I’m just chasing the feeling of being loved rather than chasing Him; I want to truly chase Him. I want to feel as if Jesus is all that matters and that if everything else were to fall away, I would still be joyful because I am His. I feel like I need Him now more than ever because I don’t love Him as much as I want to. To anyone who happens to read this, please pray that God will strengthen my desire for Him. He is truly all that matters.
Joplin
Jun 4
This gallery contains 31 photos.
Metal twisted around trees. Street guards contorted into balls on the side of the road. Tonka trucks, dolls, and board games mingled among unending piles of uprooted trees, dry wall, shingles, insulation, and 2×4’s. Cars and school buses flipped and contorted in all directions. Clothes hanging from what was left of the trees. Medical records from […]
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In case you ever wondered…
1. I believe God created everything.
2. I believe Jesus is both human & divine.
3. I believe Jesus died in our place for our sin.
4. I believe there is nothing we can do to impress God or to make Him love us more.
5. I believe we are saved by God’s grace by believing in Jesus’s sacrifice.
6. I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God.
7. I believe the Bible is the final authority in all matters.
8. I believe in the Holy Spirit.
9. I believe God sends His Spirit to convict people of their sin.
10. I believe God gives His Spirit to those who believe in Him.
11. I believe Jesus is coming back for His followers.
12. I believe the Church will spend eternity with God.
13. I believe God will judge the world through Jesus (Acts 17).
14. I believe the Church is the hope of the world.
15. I believe God’s glory is the greatest thing.
16. I believe God is about being glorified above everything else.
17. I believe the followers of Jesus regularly repent of sin.
18. I believe we should forgive one another in the same way Jesus forgives us.
19. I believe we are called to live holy lives.
20. I believe God is holy.
21. I believe we should care for the poor.
22. I believe truth is not relative.
23. I believe giving is natural for the followers of Jesus.
24. I believe the cost of following Jesus is worth it.
25. I believe worship is really important; it’s more than singing–it’s a heart & mind devoted to the things of God.
26. I believe we should be on guard against religious righteousness.
27. I believe discipleship happens best at home.
28. I believe we are called to share our faith in Jesus with others; the story you are called to share is the story of what God is doing in your life.
29. I believe people who don’t believe in Jesus will spend eternity in Hell.
30. I believe missions happen because worship doesn’t.
31. I believe God humbles the proud and gives grace to the humble.
32. I believe in submitting to one another.
33. I believe in reading the Scripture.
34. I believe in memorizing the Scripture.
35. I believe in taking all of our anxiety to God in prayer.
36. I believe in sharing one another’s burdens.
37. I believe in living life together.
38. I believe the followers of Jesus are new creations.
39. I believe the mission of Jesus is worth any sacrifice.
What do YOU believe?
Broken Into Wholeness 