Unfailing Love

I’m currently working through a really great Bible study.. Breaking Free by Beth Moore. This week’s them is “God’s Unfailing Love.” It’s weird because I wasn’t able to do the Bible study for a couple of weeks, and the timing for this week worked out perfectly. (Side note: Why is it that whenever something that seems to be a God thing happens, Christians tend to describe it as being “weird” as if it happened by chance? Hmm.. maybe it’s just me. Anyway..)  Today’s lesson started out with Beth talking about parenthood and how she didn’t realize she had such a capacity to love until her daughters were born. Then, she mentioned that a child psychologist once explained the tension or conflict that happens when children are teenagers as being necessary in order for parents to let their children go when it’s time; “If the bond we had with them as infants did not change, we would never be able to let them go.”  Then she moved on to the connection to God.. “All our lives God retains the strong feelings toward us that infants evoke in their parents.” Since I don’t have children, I can’t totally comprehend this, but I would imagine it’s a pretty amazing feeling–one that I hope to experience someday. However, I have experienced the love that my mom has for me and I have to say that I can’t imagine anyone else loving me more than she does. So to know that God loves all of us infinitely more than my mom can even comprehend loving me really blows my mind.

The study continued with some exercises that included the following verses:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

“What a man desires is unfailing love.” – Proverbs 19:22

After talking about Proverbs 19:22, we had to write down our view of “unfailing love.” Instantly, I thought of the love a husband should have for his wife.. unconditional, strong, real, true, persistent, giving, protective, understanding, supportive, passionate, eager.. forever..

Then came 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which sounded very similar to the list I wrote out.. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Then Beth wrote, “Paul described agape love as a supernatural love that only God fully possesses and only God can give…The only way we can love with agape love is to pour everything else from our hearts and ask God to make them pitchers of His agape. Before we can even begin to give God-love away, we’ve got to fully accept it. God loves you with perfect love.”

I instantly thought, “This is my problem.” I don’t know how to accept love, especially from men, because I’ve been hurt so much and so deeply. I’m scared to really let anyone in. Even God.

Then, we read 1 John 4:18.. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

When I flipped to that verse, I already had it outlined so I had obviously read that verse in the past. But it has never hit me so hard as it did today. “There is no fear in perfect love.” I came to a huge realization.. if God has marriage in my future, I won’t be scared when I meet the right person. That is huge for me.

But before, I can be ready to love another person and let them in, I have to let God in. Lately, I’ve been praying, not intentionally and not in the same words, Psalm 51:6.. “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”

I want to let God go to the deepest parts of my heart where I don’t let anyone go because I’m too scared. I really need to start asking God for more help with this because, as Beth described it, “if we don’t allow God’s truth to take up full residence in our hearts, we may learn just enough to move out of one prison into another.” I can really relate to this, and I’m guessing anyone who’s reading this has been through this at one time or another. Instead of really opening up and letting God take control, you keep moving from one thing to another, trying to find peace and contentment.

There was a question written on the page that I was not expecting.. “Have you ever feared that someone would cease loving you?” I felt something shift inside of me, and my heart & mind let out a resounding, “YES!” Then I read Beth’s reflection on it and could completely relate.. “Not only have I feared it, I’ve experienced it! God has carefully and graciously allowed some of my fears to come true so that I would discover that I would not disintegrate. I’ve experience a few things I was sure would destroy me. But guess what? They didn’t. Not because I’m so strong, but because God taught me to survive on His unfailing love. It wasn’t fun, but it was transforming.”

I think we all lose perspective sometimes, especially in the thick of a difficult circumstance. Everything that happens to us has to go through God’s hands first. He won’t give us any hurt, pain, or heartache that we can’t handle with His help. That’s an especially hard thing for me to understand & remember along with the fact that God loves us unconditionally. “God’s works change, but His love stays simple, steady, and strong.” I feel like I’m meant to love someone as I have in the past.. with my whole heart. But more than that, I feel like I’m meant to love someone with absolute, fearless abandon; I know that “Someone” is God, but whether there’s another “someone,” I don’t know. I just know I’m meant to love and love better & stronger than I ever have.

James 4:6

So.. you know when you reach that point where you haven’t been spending enough time with God and you just break? When you have this nagging feeling that you just need to stop being so bull-headed, stop getting in God’s way, stop being so distracted, and just shut up & listen? Well, I got to that point today. I love when God nags me.. not really while He’s in the process of nagging me, but after I give in, it’s a good thing. I’ve been struggling a LOT with anxiety lately.. not so much the past week, but it was really bad the week before that. When I’m in that state, it’s SO hard to get myself back to a stable place where I’m not freaking out, worrying, being agitated about something (or everything), or feeling like the universe is caving in on me. During my little chit chat with God today, I decided to give up and give it all to Him. I mean, He knows what’s going to happen anyway, so why would I try to trust myself to figure something out when he already has all the info? He’s got this covered. Duh.

I’m currently reading C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity. While reading this book, God smacked me upside the head and made me realize something… I have a problem with pride. Really? I didn’t even know I struggled with pride until I read the chapter about it in this book, but it’s so clear now. I think part of my anxiety problem is from being so concerned about myself  and my future all the time. Here’s an excerpt from the chapter:

“I do not think I have ever heard anyone who was not a Christian accuse himself of this vice. And at the same time I have very seldom met anyone, who was not a Christian, who showed the slightest mercy to it in others. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others… According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.

Does this seem to you exaggerated? If so, think it over. I pointed out a moment ago that the more pride one had, the more one disliked pride in others. In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest  way is to ask yourself, ‘How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off?’ The point is that each person’s pride is in competition with everyone else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise… Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest.”

Wow. That really got me thinking about how prideful I am about certain things and about what kinds of things people are usually prideful about. Are we responsible for how attractive, smart, talented, rich, athletic, etc. we are? Umm, NO. That would be GOD who made us that way, who gave us those talents, who blessed us in those ways, who bestowed upon us His GRACE PLUS SOME. So why do we feel all high & mighty when we see someone who isn’t at the same level we’re at in regards to one of these areas? What’s crazy is that some people reach this point in regards to their salvation and being a Christian! “Well, I’M saved.. but SHE really needs to change some things.” I doubt these words rarely come out of people’s mouths, but I’m certain they cross people’s minds in some variation or another. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever; whatever we possess, whether it be tangible or not, comes from God. But people don’t think of it that way. For some reason, whatever it is about ourselves that we value, instead of thanking God for it and making it a non-issue or using for His glory, we get all snooty and act like we’re responsible for it. Some people may say things like, “But I am responsible for my wealth.. I worked hard to earn my money!” or “I have big muscles, and I can bench press 2,394 pounds because I put the work in!” or “I get good grades because I’m smarter than most people.” (usually said in a pretentious tone as if they made themselves smart) Seriously? Who gave you the ability to work? Who gave your body all the intricacies necessary for building muscle and strength? Who blessed you with above-average intelligence? And if you have this money or this physical strength or intellect (or whatever else), what are you using it for? Sponsoring a child or donating to a service organization? Building houses for the homeless or helping with projects? Teaching children or developing a treatment for an illness? Helping anyone at all for the glory of God? Or just using it to glorify yourself and follow your own agenda?

According to Lewis, “The real test of being in the presence of God is, that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether.” I would have to agree with him to some extent; however, self-loathing is still self-worship, so even if you are always thinking poorly of yourself, you are still focused on yourself rather than on loving God and loving other people. So basically, we’re all somewhere on our own continuums of how we feel about ourselves when we shouldn’t even being on our own continuum at all; we should be on someone else’s continuum building them up, making them feel worthy, and letting them see more of God than of ourselves. Don’t get me wrong.. I don’t think we should just neglect ourselves. We are, after all, products of God’s creation, and I’m pretty sure He doesn’t call us to stupidity. We still need to take care of ourselves and our families—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually—but only to the point of necessity and by leaning on Him; for it is by our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength that we are able to help and love others.

I think that’s enough for now. It just drives me crazy when people (myself included) take credit for something they had nothing to do with, especially when the One who actually deserves the credit rarely receives it in comparison to how often we pat ourselves on the back. So much to pray about..

..and by His wounds, we are healed.

Easter is tomorrow!! It’s amazing how much more Easter means to me this year. I went to the Good Friday service last night and watched The Passion of the Christ. It was so much more meaningful than it was the first time I watched it (7th grade.. about 10 years ago). I understood so much more, and seeing it all played out on screen made me grasp the events in the story of Jesus a lot better. It also made me much more aware and humbled of what Jesus did. I am so grateful. Our head pastor, Jim, read an excerpt from a book that really drove the message home for me. It also takes some issues of the present day into account. I’ve posted it below. For anyone who is a follower, I hope this will touch your heart and renew your faith. For anyone who is not a believer or who is unsure, I hope that this will also touch your heart, but even more than that, I hope that your heart will be changed. You have already been given the ultimate form of grace. Jesus placed the weight of all of the sin in the world–including yours–on Himself. He willingly received the punishment that all of mankind deserves. I know of no greater love. You need only to accept it. God bless everyone & HAPPY EASTER!!

From When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada…

“The Savior was now thrown to men quite different from the eleven. The face that Moses had begged to see—was forbidden to see—was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth’s rebellion now twisted around his own brow…

“On your back with you!” One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier’s heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner’s wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier’s life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do “all things hold together” (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the solider live on—he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm—the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless—the nerves perform exquisitely. “Up you go!” They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being—the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father’s eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face his Father like this!

From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

“Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped—murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed overspent, overeaten—fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk—you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp—buying politicians, practicing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves—relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?”

Of course, the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as his heart’s treasure, the mirror-image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah’s stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

“Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!” (Mark 15:34)

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished.”

Blue Like Jazz

The last few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I was having a really difficult time with my faith, or a “crisis of belief,” if you will. (Hence, the post on Feb. 10th). I felt very disconnected from God; I couldn’t “feel it” anymore. I felt guilty, somewhat lost, and extremely discontent. When I prayed, I felt like I was talking to myself, like God was maybe screening my prayers or something. I was still going to Sunday school, church, Bible study, and a theology class, so why didn’t I still feel it?! Isn’t that how it was supposed to work? I couldn’t bring myself to pray very often or read my Bible on my own. It was a very weird feeling, and I’m still not completely sure how to describe it. One night, I picked up Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I had never read it before, but I had heard really good things about it. Not wanting to work on anything for school, I began reading Miller’s book. While reading it over the last couple of weeks, I’ve come across numerous passages that seem to be speaking directly to me. Reading this book did amazing things for my sense of spiritual security and seemed to restore my faith and ease the anxieties that I had been experiencing. Here are some of the passages that really stood out:

“I don’t think you can explain how Christian faith works. It is a mystery. And I love this about Christian spirituality. It cannot be explained, and yet it is beautiful and true. It is something you feel, and it comes from the soul.”

“I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn’t that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it’s that I want to earn my own way so I won’t be charity… Who am I to think myself above God’s charity? And why would I forsake the riches of God’s righteousness for the dung of my own ego?”

“Every Christian knows they will deal with doubt. And they will. But when it comes it seems so very real and frightening, as if your entire universe is going to fall apart.”

“Don’t complain about the way God answers your prayers. You are still living on an earth that is run by the devil. God has promised us a new land, and we will get there. Your problem is not that God is not fulfilling, your problem is that you are spoiled.”

“God is not here to worship me, to mold Himself into something that will help me fulfill my level of comfort. I think part of my problem is that I want spirituality to be more close and more real.”

“I suppose what I wanted back then is what every Christian wants, whether they understand themselves or not. What I wanted was God. I wanted tangible interaction. But even more than that, to be honest, I wanted to know who I was.”

“God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always know He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”

“I am a human because God made me. I experience suffering and temptation because mankind chose to follow Satan. God is reaching out to me to rescue me. I am learning to trust Him, learning to live by His precepts that I might be preserved.”

“Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is like making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon.”

“People hardly care what you believe, as long as you believe something. If you are passionate about something, people will follow you because they think you know something they don’t, some clue to the meaning of the universe.”

“What I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do.”

“Marriage is amazing because it is the closest two people can get, but they can’t get all the way to that place of absolute knowing.”

“I no longer think being in love is the polar opposite of being alone, however. I say this because I used to want to be in love again as I assumed this was the opposite of loneliness. I think being in love is an opposite of loneliness, but not the opposite. There are other things I now crave when I am lonely, like community, like friendship, like family. I think our society puts too much pressure on romantic love, and that is why so many romances fail. Romance can’t possibly carry all that we want it to.”

“The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me.”

“There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction.”

“If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.”

“We don’t need as much money as we have. Hardly any of us need as much money as we have. It’s true what they say about the best things in life being free.”

“When we worship God we worship a Being our life experience does not give us the tools with which to understand. If we could, God would not inspire awe.”

“The little we do understand, that grain of sand our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever.”

“We are too proud to feel awe and too fearful to feel terror. We reduce Him to math so we don’t have to fear Him, and yet the Bible tells us fear is the appropriate response, that it is the beginning of wisdom.”

“Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe. By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder.”

“I need something mysterious to happen after I die. I need to be somewhere else after I die, somewhere with God, somewhere that wouldn’t make any sense if it were explained to me right now.”

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

“I used to love like money. The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did.”

“I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson.”

“Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them.”

“I loved the fact that it wasn’t my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God’s, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.”

“We have the power to bring a little of heaven into the lives of others every day.”

“Your value has come from God. And God wants you to receive His love and to love yourself too.”

“God’s love will never change us if we don’t accept it.”