It’s amazing how things that are so far-removed from your everyday life still have amazing power over you when you’re alone, it’s quiet, and the lights are out or when you’re just driving on the highway or just going about your day.
One of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged not too long ago. I was kind of expecting it, so I wasn’t too surprised. I felt prepared to log onto Facebook and see it (since that’s how everyone finds out anything about anyone). What I wasn’t prepared for was how it would affect me..
Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of things that I’ve done in the past. Whenever an ex-boyfriend pops up in my head, memories–ones that sometimes I wish I could forget–come flooding into my head like a box full of snapshots being dumped on the ground. I know this is happening because they weren’t just boyfriends; they were my husbands in God’s eyes. But for some reason, finding out that he is engaged has been so difficult that it’s bringing all of this up. He was who I pictured my life with, who I began planning my life around, and who I cried and agonized over for months after we broke up. Although I’m grateful for the difficult experiences in my life because they were what brought me to God, I think a small part of me still misses him and what we had together. Most of my flashbacks are of memories that I have from our relationship–parts of our relationship that were meant only for marriage. I had another flashback tonight, but this one was a little different.
After I had the flashback, my mind flipped to something that my pastor Jim had told me a while ago, and I felt like a little piece of my heart broke.
I met with Jim almost 2 months ago to discuss some things I had been struggling with. I told him how I want to get married and have a family, that I know my life wouldn’t be happier or easier with a husband, and that I’m not sure why I have such a desire for a marriage. I told him I’m scared to be in a relationship. I told him that I’m still owning and identifying myself by the things I did in the past. I told him that I think I sometimes settle for guys who fit my old standard because I don’t feel like I’m “Christian” enough for a truly godly man. After I poured my heart out to him, he asked me a few questions..
Jim: “You have a long history of relationships? Starting at about the age of 15?”
Me: “13”
Jim: “Sexually active?”
I nodded.
Jim: “At what age?”
Me: “16”
From there, he went on to describe what he would say to his son if he wanted to marry me..
“Son, she’s a sweet girl.. a godly girl.. but you do need to know that she has a past. You can’t hold that against her because God has forgiven her, but it will be something that you’ll have to work through if you marry her. Don’t be surprised if someday you wake up beside her and feel resentment because someone else has been there before.”
Then, Jim told me that there are Christian guys who will only date girls who have never done anything “wrong,” but there are also more mature ones who will see what God has done in my life. He told me I don’t want someone who is going to hold my past against me, but I don’t want someone who will gloss over it either because that means “they don’t think much of sin.”
“You want whoever you marry to mourn over your past with you.”
But the main thing that sticks out from that conversation is Jim mimicking what my future husband might say to me as I’m looking down & crying, telling me to look at him, and saying,
“Sweetheart, you are white as snow.”
It was probably one of the most uncomfortable, humbling, amazing moments of my life. It also made it so much more clear what it would be like for Jesus to say that to me. That’s what my mind flipped to after my flashback tonight. Jesus. Crying with his face in his hands. Mourning over my lost purity. And my heart broke. I kept praying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And then I pictured Jesus telling me I’m white as snow. Washed. Pure. Clean.
I know who I am in God because of what Jesus has done for me. And I’m so tempted to say, “But…” and follow it with a million statements like, “I’ve messed up so bad,” “I still struggle with flashbacks of my past,” “I’m still a total screw-up,” etc. The reality is:
Yes, I’ve messed up.
Yes, I still struggle with flashbacks of my past.
Yes, I’m still a total screw-up.
…BUT…
I’ve got a Savior who’s sacrifice is bigger than all of it.
Tonight was the third week that our college-age group met for a Bible study over 1 John. Each lesson so far has required us to tear apart the text by looking at the original meaning of the Scriptures in Greek, looking for different connections and repeated words, etc. For Lesson 3, the homework was over 1 John 2:1-17. Last night, I met with my friend Jenny and her roommates Vikki and Emily to go over our observations and discuss the questions. Right away, our conversation turned to the use of the word “advocate” in verse 1:
“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.” – 1 John 2:1 (ESV)
The word “advocate” in the Greek is “paraklētos,” which is used only 5 times in the NT, all by John. Other than in 1 John 2:1, it’s found in John 14:16, 14:26, 15:26, and 16:7. However, in the latter 4 verses , “paraklētos” is translated as “counselor” (in the ESV) rather than “advocate” and is in reference to the Holy Spirit rather than Jesus. This was really interesting to me because I typically think of the Holy Spirit guiding or counseling me, but I don’t apply this concept to Jesus. For me, Jesus’s sacrifice has never seemed so personal; of course I believe He died for my sins, but I’ve seen it as more of an all-inclusive act rather than Him advocating specifically for me. Vikki said it best when she said, “It just sounds so much more personal, like Jesus is saying to God, ‘I’ve got that one; she’s mine.'” It’s like Jesus is fighting for each and every one of us individually. It’s very humbling and makes me even more thankful to be His.
In other versions of the Bible, “paraklētos” is translated as “intercessor,” “helper,” “comforter,” “pleader,” “counsel of defense,” and “Priest-Friend.” All of these words describe who Jesus is or can be for us if we let Him, but so often I don’t feel like I’m completely accepting the fact that Jesus has advocated on my behalf, interceded for me, helped me, comforted me, pleaded for me, and defended me; the significance of what He’s done for me doesn’t seem like it’s ever fully sank in. I don’t know if it ever fully sinks in, but I so desperately want it to. I want to feel the love that Jesus has for me and live my life out of that love. But I wonder if I’m just chasing the feeling of being loved rather than chasing Him; I want to truly chase Him. I want to feel as if Jesus is all that matters and that if everything else were to fall away, I would still be joyful because I am His. I feel like I need Him now more than ever because I don’t love Him as much as I want to. To anyone who happens to read this, please pray that God will strengthen my desire for Him. He is truly all that matters.
Jun 4
This gallery contains 31 photos.
Metal twisted around trees. Street guards contorted into balls on the side of the road. Tonka trucks, dolls, and board games mingled among unending piles of uprooted trees, dry wall, shingles, insulation, and 2×4’s. Cars and school buses flipped and contorted in all directions. Clothes hanging from what was left of the trees. Medical records from […]
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. It seems that most of my goals for the year have already gone out the window, and I just haven’t been the person that I want to be. I think part of it has to do with all of the snow days we’ve had lately, but I think it also runs deeper than that. That’s just something that I’ll have to work on with God. However, I do have an idea of what I want my life to look like and what I think it’s supposed look like:
I want to have quiet time with God every day, no matter what. I want to spend time reading the Bible everyday. I want to be a morning person. I want to serve more. I want to eat healthy. I want to cook dinner for myself. I want to work out 4-5 days per week. I want to keep my house clean and my laundry caught up. I want to be more productive. I want to spend regular time reading, crocheting, and doing other things I love. I want to have stronger friendships. I want to be well-rounded. And most of all, I just want to be able to take care of myself.
I’m just not sure I know how to do any of this, let alone be able to do all of it at the same time. I think part of the reason is that I have a tendency to be very extreme; it’s very hard for me to do things in moderation. I’m not sure why this is. Alcoholism runs in my family so maybe it’s part genetics; maybe I was just born predisposed to have an addictive personality. Regardless of that, I believe God can help me learn to live differently. I think it’s just going to take a lot of prayer and a lot of baby steps. But most of all, it’s going to take a daily commitment to allow God to transform me and my life.
With less than 3 hours left in 2010, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect a little bit on the past year. I can’t believe how much has changed and how much I’ve grown since this time last year. Although there have been a lot of ups & downs and I still have a long way to go, I’m choosing to celebrate what God has done in me so far. I’m happier, more confident, and more responsible. I have a better idea of what I want in a career, a husband, a family, and life in general. Most importantly, I’ve grown closer to God, and I have a better understanding of what being a Christian is all about: accepting God’s grace and living out of the overflow of His love, which He makes very apparent..
While driving back to Stillwater today, “Never Let Go” by David Crowder Band came on the radio. I started singing along, and out of nowhere, I started crying. The sunset was beautiful, and I felt like God made it just for me to enjoy on my drive. I felt totally in love with God, and it was one of those moments that I wish I could bottle up and experience every day. I hope to have more of those moments in 2011, and I pray that everyone will experience the type of joy that comes from being God’s child 🙂
On that note, here are my goals for 2011..
1. Grow in my relationship with God by making it a point to spend time with Him each day
2. Work on being honest with myself & God
3. Read through the whole Bible
4. Maintain a healthy lifestyle
5. Run a half-marathon
6. Smile & laugh more
7. Establish stronger friendships
8. Do a better job of prioritizing my time and activities
9. Live on a budget
10. Complete 3 Bible studies
11. Write the first 3 chapters of my dissertation
12. Simplify; get rid of things that aren’t useful, beautiful, or cherished
13. Post a blog at least once/week
14. Learn to crochet (Already did this over Christmas break.. soo I’m changing this goal to “Crochet a whole afghan” 🙂 )
God bless everyone, and happy 2011!!
Driving 9 hours home for Christmas break gives a person a lot of time to think. Probably too much. A couple days ago, I drove from Oklahoma back to Illinois. I spent some much-needed time with God, and I spent a lot of time just thinking about everything that has been going on in my life too. I left town feeling very overwhelmed with a lot of things (one of which was the apocolypse thanks to a show I watched on the History Channel.. can we say “anxiety issues”?) I had just graduated with my Masters degree, turned 24, and was going home to see my family for Christmas. Shouldn’t I have been in a great mood? Probably so, but I just wasn’t. My mind wandered to a blog by my friend Cari that I had been reading all week. She had written a series on love. I’ve also been reading Love is Now by Peter Gillquist and this past week’s theme for my Bible study was “God’s Unfailing Love.” Ironically, I’ve been surrounded by love but not really feeling it. While I was thinking about some of the things that Cari mentioned as well as different situations going on in my life right now, I came to a HUGE realization..
In my past, love has almost always been conditional.
I felt like I had found a missing puzzle piece. I’ve been taught by those around me that love is not unconditional. It has depended on what I did or didn’t do. With certain people in my family it depended on behaving the way they wanted me to, making sure I wasn’t an annoyance, whether or not I made them proud, or if I took part in activities they preferred. With my friends in high school and now college, love seems to have depended on if I was funny or in a good mood or if I did things to fit in like partying or going to the bars. With guys I’ve been in relationships with, love seemed to depend on what I looked like, whether or not we had sex, if I was happy & secure, if I didn’t ask questions, or if I didn’t talk to certain people. And still sometimes, there was no rhyme or reason or clear pattern of what love was contingent on; I just had to figure out how not to screw up or how to keep people happy so they wouldn’t stop loving me. Regardless of all the effort I put forth, all the begging and pleading with various people, and all the stress & heartache that was caused, people always ended up leaving. People always walked away. People always found someone or something better. Experience has taught me that I’m disposable. I can be replaced. And the hardest part of all of this is that I’M the common denominator in all of it.. which means there must be something that I’m doing wrong. Obviously this is something I’m going to have to work through with God.
I am thankful though because I’m more aware of why I do some of the things I do–like push people away or refuse to get too close or let anyone in too much. I’m also thankful because I’m finally learning what true love really is.. God. God is love. God loved me before time & creation. God loved me when I didn’t believe in Him. He loved me when I was living my life according to the world. He loved me when I didn’t love Him.
I’m also learning what true friendship is thanks to a few girls that I’m slowly forming bonds with. These are girls who have my best interests at heart. They love me because I’m me, not because I’m me + something else. Someone else said something to me earlier this week that has really stuck with me and made me realize that it is possible for someone (other than my mom) to love me unconditionally.. “I will love you & praise God for you at your worst, and I will love you & praise God for you at your best.” These words absolutely took my breath away, and I am so thankful for this person on a daily basis.
Although it’s been hard to realize that I’ve been believing something so wrong for practically my whole life, I’m praising God for bringing me one step closer to complete healing. I still have a long way to go, but I have more hope now than I did earlier this week. I’m also still learning to trust Him with situations, however difficult that may be. (In fact, I was thinking & worrying about a particular situation and then received my weekly Bible verse text message.. Psalm 32:8 – I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you and watch over you. Maybe God doesn’t really speak to us via text message, but I like to think He does 🙂 ) Thank God for living & learning!
“Dark days are stepping stones on the path of light.”
I noticed the autumn leaves for the first time yesterday. They are beautiful. I’m sure they leaves started changing a long time ago, but I never took the time to notice them. I thanked God for giving them to us to enjoy and went about my day. I got to thinking.. Why can’t I notice the little things on a regular basis? Why is my life so hurried and busy that it takes me so long to realize what’s going on around me? I could be completely missing a gift from God! So I’ve decided that I’m going to try to start doing that–noticing the little things, being aware of what’s going on around me, slowing down. While I’m at it, I want to learn to use my time more productively so that I’ll actually have more time to slow down and notice the little things. I think this is something everyone should try; our society as a whole has just gotten so busy, and our schedules have gotten so full. So if you haven’t yet, take a few minutes and go outside. Look at the leaves. Find beauty in something you wouldn’t normally notice. View the world as if you were seeing it for the first time. You just might be surprised at how fulfilling life is when you make room for the little things.
“You are the light of the world..” I don’t feel too bright most of the time. Actually, most of the time I feel like a candle in the midst of winds blowing all directions, struggling to stay lit. I don’t want to be influenced by the world. I want to stick with the Truth of God’s Word. But it’s so difficult to do that when the ideas I hear on an almost-daily basis sometimes go completely against what I’m putting my faith in; “Sometimes you have to lie to people; that’s just how life is,” “You need to _(insert lots of things here)_ in order to be successful,” “You can love God and still be the person you want to be.” I don’t want to believe any of that. I don’t want to live that way. But I also don’t always do the best job of actively seeking God on an everyday basis like I should in order to have the relationship with Him that I want. I know I should make it a point to sit down & just pray every day. I do pray everyday, but it seems like it’s always in passing or while I’m doing something else. I want to devote more time to just God. Hopefully I can learn to do a better job of prioritizing and devoting more time to what’s really important.. improving my relationship with my Savior. I know if I do that, I can be the light that God wants me to be.
I’ve been thinking a lot about honesty lately–honesty with myself, others, and God. I never realized that being honest is really difficult sometimes.. not so much with other people; I have no problem telling the truth, and I consider myself to be a very honest person as far as not lying to people and telling them how I feel regardless of whether or not it’s easy or if they’re going to be happy about it. And I can be honest with God because He knows me anyway. But being honest with myself is the hard part. I think I try to talk myself into things sometimes because I think it’s what’s best, and I don’t necessarily follow what God or my heart is telling me to do. I think a big part of the problem is I don’t really know how to tell what God wants. Then, on the flip side of that, I feel like sometimes I’m almost too honest with myself.. or maybe just too hard on myself.. I’m not sure. I over-think and over-analyze situations and then get overwhelmed. I’m not sure how, but I think that it’s somehow related to honesty; maybe if I was honest with myself from the beginning of situations, I wouldn’t over-think or over-analyze..?? Now it just totally sounds like I’m over-analyzing being over-analytical. This is stressing me out.. haha. I suppose that’s enough for now. I just thought I would try to reflect a little bit on what I’ve been pondering lately 🙂
Broken Into Wholeness 