Last Friday, I was supposed to go to Tara & Joe’s for dinner when Tara called me and said she & Hayden had the flu. Even though she said she didn’t need anything, I went to the grocery store to buy crackers, ginger ale, and pedialyte since I had money left in my grocery budget and was leaving the next day for Christmas break. I bought the stuff, took it to Tara’s, and went about my evening. When I went to update my budget, I had budgeted $60 for groceries for the month. I saw that I had only spent $33.40, which meant I had $26.60 left. The stuff for Tara & her family amounted to $27.19.. a difference of 59 cents. God is so awesome 🙂
It’s amazing how things that are so far-removed from your everyday life still have amazing power over you when you’re alone, it’s quiet, and the lights are out or when you’re just driving on the highway or just going about your day.
One of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged not too long ago. I was kind of expecting it, so I wasn’t too surprised. I felt prepared to log onto Facebook and see it (since that’s how everyone finds out anything about anyone). What I wasn’t prepared for was how it would affect me..
Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of things that I’ve done in the past. Whenever an ex-boyfriend pops up in my head, memories–ones that sometimes I wish I could forget–come flooding into my head like a box full of snapshots being dumped on the ground. I know this is happening because they weren’t just boyfriends; they were my husbands in God’s eyes. But for some reason, finding out that he is engaged has been so difficult that it’s bringing all of this up. He was who I pictured my life with, who I began planning my life around, and who I cried and agonized over for months after we broke up. Although I’m grateful for the difficult experiences in my life because they were what brought me to God, I think a small part of me still misses him and what we had together. Most of my flashbacks are of memories that I have from our relationship–parts of our relationship that were meant only for marriage. I had another flashback tonight, but this one was a little different.
After I had the flashback, my mind flipped to something that my pastor Jim had told me a while ago, and I felt like a little piece of my heart broke.
I met with Jim almost 2 months ago to discuss some things I had been struggling with. I told him how I want to get married and have a family, that I know my life wouldn’t be happier or easier with a husband, and that I’m not sure why I have such a desire for a marriage. I told him I’m scared to be in a relationship. I told him that I’m still owning and identifying myself by the things I did in the past. I told him that I think I sometimes settle for guys who fit my old standard because I don’t feel like I’m “Christian” enough for a truly godly man. After I poured my heart out to him, he asked me a few questions..
Jim: “You have a long history of relationships? Starting at about the age of 15?”
Me: “13”
Jim: “Sexually active?”
I nodded.
Jim: “At what age?”
Me: “16”
From there, he went on to describe what he would say to his son if he wanted to marry me..
“Son, she’s a sweet girl.. a godly girl.. but you do need to know that she has a past. You can’t hold that against her because God has forgiven her, but it will be something that you’ll have to work through if you marry her. Don’t be surprised if someday you wake up beside her and feel resentment because someone else has been there before.”
Then, Jim told me that there are Christian guys who will only date girls who have never done anything “wrong,” but there are also more mature ones who will see what God has done in my life. He told me I don’t want someone who is going to hold my past against me, but I don’t want someone who will gloss over it either because that means “they don’t think much of sin.”
“You want whoever you marry to mourn over your past with you.”
But the main thing that sticks out from that conversation is Jim mimicking what my future husband might say to me as I’m looking down & crying, telling me to look at him, and saying,
“Sweetheart, you are white as snow.”
It was probably one of the most uncomfortable, humbling, amazing moments of my life. It also made it so much more clear what it would be like for Jesus to say that to me. That’s what my mind flipped to after my flashback tonight. Jesus. Crying with his face in his hands. Mourning over my lost purity. And my heart broke. I kept praying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And then I pictured Jesus telling me I’m white as snow. Washed. Pure. Clean.
I know who I am in God because of what Jesus has done for me. And I’m so tempted to say, “But…” and follow it with a million statements like, “I’ve messed up so bad,” “I still struggle with flashbacks of my past,” “I’m still a total screw-up,” etc. The reality is:
Yes, I’ve messed up.
Yes, I still struggle with flashbacks of my past.
Yes, I’m still a total screw-up.
…BUT…
I’ve got a Savior who’s sacrifice is bigger than all of it.
This blog hasn’t exactly been what I hoped it would be. My plan for it was to be a place to reflect on things that I’m learning about God, Jesus, church, the Christian life, etc. I feel like it’s turned out to be a place where I mostly write about my own life, and not necessarily in the context of how God is working in it. My plan is to change that and figure out some way to renovate this blog and make it more about God. I’m thinking that I’ll start using it as a platform for reflecting during my quiet times, which would make the blog more Scripture-centered and hold me accountable at the same time. I’ll continue to write about books & sermons and post videos as well. Every now and then there may be a “Life Happenings” post if God was clearly working, but aside from those instances, I’m hoping to minimize these types of posts. I’m trusting that God will lead me in the right direction with this blog and that it will help someone, even if it’s just one person. I’m not too sure anyone really reads this anyway, but I feel like I need to write it 🙂
Jun 4
This gallery contains 31 photos.
Metal twisted around trees. Street guards contorted into balls on the side of the road. Tonka trucks, dolls, and board games mingled among unending piles of uprooted trees, dry wall, shingles, insulation, and 2×4’s. Cars and school buses flipped and contorted in all directions. Clothes hanging from what was left of the trees. Medical records from […]
Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been making sure that I spend time with God every day. I can honestly say that it has changed my life. Two of the things I’ve been thanking God for lately are the peace & joy that I’ve felt. Having a history of depression, anxiety, self-image/eating issues, and a jumbled family, those are two things that I haven’t really experienced a lot of throughout the course of my life, especially joy. Of course I’ve been happy and had fun, but true joy–the kind that you feel just because you’re alive–is something very new to me.
Last night at YG, one of my high school girls was teaching about one of the fruits of the Spirit. Being a new Christian, I didn’t know what they were so I asked. The answer: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I didn’t really think too much about how it applied to me until she started talking about peace. As she went through lesson, she said those things are evidence of the Holy Spirit living inside of you and working in your life. When she said that, it really hit me; I really am a Christian. A few times last year, I kind of wondered if I was really saved because I didn’t “feel it” most of the time. I now know that I wasn’t ever not saved, and God didn’t go anywhere; He didn’t move; He wasn’t keeping His distance.. I was. I told the girls a little bit about my experience in general and told them to really take to heart what was said and that it was real. I felt so blessed to be able to speak about something like that from experience.
I went home after YG and decided to do my Breaking Free Bible study. I hadn’t done anything with it since Christmas day because I had been focusing on other studies, readings, etc. When I got to the lesson, I was a little bit floored.. the main Scripture for the lesson was Isaiah 26:3. Of course it was about peace.. God is awesome like that. It made me realize that I have these things in my life–joy & peace–because I’m finally giving Him my worries or concerns, being honest with how I feel & what I want, and trusting that He will transform me into who I need to be and lead me to where I need to be for His purposes.
With less than 3 hours left in 2010, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect a little bit on the past year. I can’t believe how much has changed and how much I’ve grown since this time last year. Although there have been a lot of ups & downs and I still have a long way to go, I’m choosing to celebrate what God has done in me so far. I’m happier, more confident, and more responsible. I have a better idea of what I want in a career, a husband, a family, and life in general. Most importantly, I’ve grown closer to God, and I have a better understanding of what being a Christian is all about: accepting God’s grace and living out of the overflow of His love, which He makes very apparent..
While driving back to Stillwater today, “Never Let Go” by David Crowder Band came on the radio. I started singing along, and out of nowhere, I started crying. The sunset was beautiful, and I felt like God made it just for me to enjoy on my drive. I felt totally in love with God, and it was one of those moments that I wish I could bottle up and experience every day. I hope to have more of those moments in 2011, and I pray that everyone will experience the type of joy that comes from being God’s child 🙂
On that note, here are my goals for 2011..
1. Grow in my relationship with God by making it a point to spend time with Him each day
2. Work on being honest with myself & God
3. Read through the whole Bible
4. Maintain a healthy lifestyle
5. Run a half-marathon
6. Smile & laugh more
7. Establish stronger friendships
8. Do a better job of prioritizing my time and activities
9. Live on a budget
10. Complete 3 Bible studies
11. Write the first 3 chapters of my dissertation
12. Simplify; get rid of things that aren’t useful, beautiful, or cherished
13. Post a blog at least once/week
14. Learn to crochet (Already did this over Christmas break.. soo I’m changing this goal to “Crochet a whole afghan” 🙂 )
God bless everyone, and happy 2011!!
I’m currently working through a really great Bible study.. Breaking Free by Beth Moore. This week’s them is “God’s Unfailing Love.” It’s weird because I wasn’t able to do the Bible study for a couple of weeks, and the timing for this week worked out perfectly. (Side note: Why is it that whenever something that seems to be a God thing happens, Christians tend to describe it as being “weird” as if it happened by chance? Hmm.. maybe it’s just me. Anyway..) Today’s lesson started out with Beth talking about parenthood and how she didn’t realize she had such a capacity to love until her daughters were born. Then, she mentioned that a child psychologist once explained the tension or conflict that happens when children are teenagers as being necessary in order for parents to let their children go when it’s time; “If the bond we had with them as infants did not change, we would never be able to let them go.” Then she moved on to the connection to God.. “All our lives God retains the strong feelings toward us that infants evoke in their parents.” Since I don’t have children, I can’t totally comprehend this, but I would imagine it’s a pretty amazing feeling–one that I hope to experience someday. However, I have experienced the love that my mom has for me and I have to say that I can’t imagine anyone else loving me more than she does. So to know that God loves all of us infinitely more than my mom can even comprehend loving me really blows my mind.
The study continued with some exercises that included the following verses:
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39
“What a man desires is unfailing love.” – Proverbs 19:22
After talking about Proverbs 19:22, we had to write down our view of “unfailing love.” Instantly, I thought of the love a husband should have for his wife.. unconditional, strong, real, true, persistent, giving, protective, understanding, supportive, passionate, eager.. forever..
Then came 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which sounded very similar to the list I wrote out.. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Then Beth wrote, “Paul described agape love as a supernatural love that only God fully possesses and only God can give…The only way we can love with agape love is to pour everything else from our hearts and ask God to make them pitchers of His agape. Before we can even begin to give God-love away, we’ve got to fully accept it. God loves you with perfect love.”
I instantly thought, “This is my problem.” I don’t know how to accept love, especially from men, because I’ve been hurt so much and so deeply. I’m scared to really let anyone in. Even God.
Then, we read 1 John 4:18.. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
When I flipped to that verse, I already had it outlined so I had obviously read that verse in the past. But it has never hit me so hard as it did today. “There is no fear in perfect love.” I came to a huge realization.. if God has marriage in my future, I won’t be scared when I meet the right person. That is huge for me.
But before, I can be ready to love another person and let them in, I have to let God in. Lately, I’ve been praying, not intentionally and not in the same words, Psalm 51:6.. “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”
I want to let God go to the deepest parts of my heart where I don’t let anyone go because I’m too scared. I really need to start asking God for more help with this because, as Beth described it, “if we don’t allow God’s truth to take up full residence in our hearts, we may learn just enough to move out of one prison into another.” I can really relate to this, and I’m guessing anyone who’s reading this has been through this at one time or another. Instead of really opening up and letting God take control, you keep moving from one thing to another, trying to find peace and contentment.
There was a question written on the page that I was not expecting.. “Have you ever feared that someone would cease loving you?” I felt something shift inside of me, and my heart & mind let out a resounding, “YES!” Then I read Beth’s reflection on it and could completely relate.. “Not only have I feared it, I’ve experienced it! God has carefully and graciously allowed some of my fears to come true so that I would discover that I would not disintegrate. I’ve experience a few things I was sure would destroy me. But guess what? They didn’t. Not because I’m so strong, but because God taught me to survive on His unfailing love. It wasn’t fun, but it was transforming.”
I think we all lose perspective sometimes, especially in the thick of a difficult circumstance. Everything that happens to us has to go through God’s hands first. He won’t give us any hurt, pain, or heartache that we can’t handle with His help. That’s an especially hard thing for me to understand & remember along with the fact that God loves us unconditionally. “God’s works change, but His love stays simple, steady, and strong.” I feel like I’m meant to love someone as I have in the past.. with my whole heart. But more than that, I feel like I’m meant to love someone with absolute, fearless abandon; I know that “Someone” is God, but whether there’s another “someone,” I don’t know. I just know I’m meant to love and love better & stronger than I ever have.
So tonight I spoke at an event at Sunnybrook called Spring Fling. The theme was “Beauty From the Inside Out,” and it was for 5th-12th grade girls and their moms. It was an amazing event with sooo much good information for the girls about purity, modesty, and how to be an overall good Christian girl. I think I might have learned just as much as the girls did 🙂
Anyway, I was asked to give my testimony. We had 2 practices before the actual event.. I could barely talk during one of them because I was crying so hard, and I didn’t cry at all at the other one so I was a little nervous. I think it ended up going pretty well.. mainly because I didn’t cry. Helping with this event really allowed me see how the bad choices I made in my life before becoming a Christian can help other people, especially young girls. Of course there will be girls who will have to make poor choices for themselves to appreciate their relationship with God, but if I can help even 1 girl by telling my story, it’s completely worth all the pain I went through and mistakes I made. It’s amazing to be able to look back on my life and see how every mistake, every heartbreak, and every choice has led me up to where I am now. I’m so grateful that God has changed me, and I can’t wait to see what He has in store 🙂
I was baptized today. I am new again. My parents (all four of them), little brother, and grandma were all there, which is a miracle in itself. God is good 🙂
Broken Into Wholeness 