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Provision
Last Friday, I was supposed to go to Tara & Joe’s for dinner when Tara called me and said she & Hayden had the flu. Even though she said she didn’t need anything, I went to the grocery store to buy crackers, ginger ale, and pedialyte since I had money left in my grocery budget and was leaving the next day for Christmas break. I bought the stuff, took it to Tara’s, and went about my evening. When I went to update my budget, I had budgeted $60 for groceries for the month. I saw that I had only spent $33.40, which meant I had $26.60 left. The stuff for Tara & her family amounted to $27.19.. a difference of 59 cents. God is so awesome 🙂
Snapshots
It’s amazing how things that are so far-removed from your everyday life still have amazing power over you when you’re alone, it’s quiet, and the lights are out or when you’re just driving on the highway or just going about your day.
One of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged not too long ago. I was kind of expecting it, so I wasn’t too surprised. I felt prepared to log onto Facebook and see it (since that’s how everyone finds out anything about anyone). What I wasn’t prepared for was how it would affect me..
Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of things that I’ve done in the past. Whenever an ex-boyfriend pops up in my head, memories–ones that sometimes I wish I could forget–come flooding into my head like a box full of snapshots being dumped on the ground. I know this is happening because they weren’t just boyfriends; they were my husbands in God’s eyes. But for some reason, finding out that he is engaged has been so difficult that it’s bringing all of this up. He was who I pictured my life with, who I began planning my life around, and who I cried and agonized over for months after we broke up. Although I’m grateful for the difficult experiences in my life because they were what brought me to God, I think a small part of me still misses him and what we had together. Most of my flashbacks are of memories that I have from our relationship–parts of our relationship that were meant only for marriage. I had another flashback tonight, but this one was a little different.
After I had the flashback, my mind flipped to something that my pastor Jim had told me a while ago, and I felt like a little piece of my heart broke.
I met with Jim almost 2 months ago to discuss some things I had been struggling with. I told him how I want to get married and have a family, that I know my life wouldn’t be happier or easier with a husband, and that I’m not sure why I have such a desire for a marriage. I told him I’m scared to be in a relationship. I told him that I’m still owning and identifying myself by the things I did in the past. I told him that I think I sometimes settle for guys who fit my old standard because I don’t feel like I’m “Christian” enough for a truly godly man. After I poured my heart out to him, he asked me a few questions..
Jim: “You have a long history of relationships? Starting at about the age of 15?”
Me: “13”
Jim: “Sexually active?”
I nodded.
Jim: “At what age?”
Me: “16”
From there, he went on to describe what he would say to his son if he wanted to marry me..
“Son, she’s a sweet girl.. a godly girl.. but you do need to know that she has a past. You can’t hold that against her because God has forgiven her, but it will be something that you’ll have to work through if you marry her. Don’t be surprised if someday you wake up beside her and feel resentment because someone else has been there before.”
Then, Jim told me that there are Christian guys who will only date girls who have never done anything “wrong,” but there are also more mature ones who will see what God has done in my life. He told me I don’t want someone who is going to hold my past against me, but I don’t want someone who will gloss over it either because that means “they don’t think much of sin.”
“You want whoever you marry to mourn over your past with you.”
But the main thing that sticks out from that conversation is Jim mimicking what my future husband might say to me as I’m looking down & crying, telling me to look at him, and saying,
“Sweetheart, you are white as snow.”
It was probably one of the most uncomfortable, humbling, amazing moments of my life. It also made it so much more clear what it would be like for Jesus to say that to me. That’s what my mind flipped to after my flashback tonight. Jesus. Crying with his face in his hands. Mourning over my lost purity. And my heart broke. I kept praying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And then I pictured Jesus telling me I’m white as snow. Washed. Pure. Clean.
I know who I am in God because of what Jesus has done for me. And I’m so tempted to say, “But…” and follow it with a million statements like, “I’ve messed up so bad,” “I still struggle with flashbacks of my past,” “I’m still a total screw-up,” etc. The reality is:
Yes, I’ve messed up.
Yes, I still struggle with flashbacks of my past.
Yes, I’m still a total screw-up.
…BUT…
I’ve got a Savior who’s sacrifice is bigger than all of it.
Renovation
This blog hasn’t exactly been what I hoped it would be. My plan for it was to be a place to reflect on things that I’m learning about God, Jesus, church, the Christian life, etc. I feel like it’s turned out to be a place where I mostly write about my own life, and not necessarily in the context of how God is working in it. My plan is to change that and figure out some way to renovate this blog and make it more about God. I’m thinking that I’ll start using it as a platform for reflecting during my quiet times, which would make the blog more Scripture-centered and hold me accountable at the same time. I’ll continue to write about books & sermons and post videos as well. Every now and then there may be a “Life Happenings” post if God was clearly working, but aside from those instances, I’m hoping to minimize these types of posts. I’m trusting that God will lead me in the right direction with this blog and that it will help someone, even if it’s just one person. I’m not too sure anyone really reads this anyway, but I feel like I need to write it 🙂
My Advocate
Tonight was the third week that our college-age group met for a Bible study over 1 John. Each lesson so far has required us to tear apart the text by looking at the original meaning of the Scriptures in Greek, looking for different connections and repeated words, etc. For Lesson 3, the homework was over 1 John 2:1-17. Last night, I met with my friend Jenny and her roommates Vikki and Emily to go over our observations and discuss the questions. Right away, our conversation turned to the use of the word “advocate” in verse 1:
“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.” – 1 John 2:1 (ESV)
The word “advocate” in the Greek is “paraklētos,” which is used only 5 times in the NT, all by John. Other than in 1 John 2:1, it’s found in John 14:16, 14:26, 15:26, and 16:7. However, in the latter 4 verses , “paraklētos” is translated as “counselor” (in the ESV) rather than “advocate” and is in reference to the Holy Spirit rather than Jesus. This was really interesting to me because I typically think of the Holy Spirit guiding or counseling me, but I don’t apply this concept to Jesus. For me, Jesus’s sacrifice has never seemed so personal; of course I believe He died for my sins, but I’ve seen it as more of an all-inclusive act rather than Him advocating specifically for me. Vikki said it best when she said, “It just sounds so much more personal, like Jesus is saying to God, ‘I’ve got that one; she’s mine.'” It’s like Jesus is fighting for each and every one of us individually. It’s very humbling and makes me even more thankful to be His.
In other versions of the Bible, “paraklētos” is translated as “intercessor,” “helper,” “comforter,” “pleader,” “counsel of defense,” and “Priest-Friend.” All of these words describe who Jesus is or can be for us if we let Him, but so often I don’t feel like I’m completely accepting the fact that Jesus has advocated on my behalf, interceded for me, helped me, comforted me, pleaded for me, and defended me; the significance of what He’s done for me doesn’t seem like it’s ever fully sank in. I don’t know if it ever fully sinks in, but I so desperately want it to. I want to feel the love that Jesus has for me and live my life out of that love. But I wonder if I’m just chasing the feeling of being loved rather than chasing Him; I want to truly chase Him. I want to feel as if Jesus is all that matters and that if everything else were to fall away, I would still be joyful because I am His. I feel like I need Him now more than ever because I don’t love Him as much as I want to. To anyone who happens to read this, please pray that God will strengthen my desire for Him. He is truly all that matters.
Joplin
Jun 4
This gallery contains 31 photos.
Metal twisted around trees. Street guards contorted into balls on the side of the road. Tonka trucks, dolls, and board games mingled among unending piles of uprooted trees, dry wall, shingles, insulation, and 2×4’s. Cars and school buses flipped and contorted in all directions. Clothes hanging from what was left of the trees. Medical records from […]
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In case you ever wondered…
1. I believe God created everything.
2. I believe Jesus is both human & divine.
3. I believe Jesus died in our place for our sin.
4. I believe there is nothing we can do to impress God or to make Him love us more.
5. I believe we are saved by God’s grace by believing in Jesus’s sacrifice.
6. I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God.
7. I believe the Bible is the final authority in all matters.
8. I believe in the Holy Spirit.
9. I believe God sends His Spirit to convict people of their sin.
10. I believe God gives His Spirit to those who believe in Him.
11. I believe Jesus is coming back for His followers.
12. I believe the Church will spend eternity with God.
13. I believe God will judge the world through Jesus (Acts 17).
14. I believe the Church is the hope of the world.
15. I believe God’s glory is the greatest thing.
16. I believe God is about being glorified above everything else.
17. I believe the followers of Jesus regularly repent of sin.
18. I believe we should forgive one another in the same way Jesus forgives us.
19. I believe we are called to live holy lives.
20. I believe God is holy.
21. I believe we should care for the poor.
22. I believe truth is not relative.
23. I believe giving is natural for the followers of Jesus.
24. I believe the cost of following Jesus is worth it.
25. I believe worship is really important; it’s more than singing–it’s a heart & mind devoted to the things of God.
26. I believe we should be on guard against religious righteousness.
27. I believe discipleship happens best at home.
28. I believe we are called to share our faith in Jesus with others; the story you are called to share is the story of what God is doing in your life.
29. I believe people who don’t believe in Jesus will spend eternity in Hell.
30. I believe missions happen because worship doesn’t.
31. I believe God humbles the proud and gives grace to the humble.
32. I believe in submitting to one another.
33. I believe in reading the Scripture.
34. I believe in memorizing the Scripture.
35. I believe in taking all of our anxiety to God in prayer.
36. I believe in sharing one another’s burdens.
37. I believe in living life together.
38. I believe the followers of Jesus are new creations.
39. I believe the mission of Jesus is worth any sacrifice.
What do YOU believe?
Joy & Condemnation
Last weekend, the Brook went to the Passion conference in Dallas. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend, and I learned a lot. The thing that stuck with me the most was something that John Piper said. His sermon was on joy. He asked us, “What is the bottom of your joy?” and gave us an illustration; there is a college student who is majoring in psychology and is happy that she did well on an exam. If someone were to ask her, “Why are you happy about that?” she would said, “Because I want to do well in this class.” If someone were to keep asking that same question for each answer that she gave, she would eventually end up with, “Because I like helping people.” According to Piper, if she can’t answer the question “What are you happy about that?” at this point, it is where her joy stops, and she isn’t a Christian. However, if she can go past that and go on to say, “Because that is what God has made me to do and how He’s called me to glorify Him,” she is a Christian. This really got me thinking. Is Christ really the bottom or the foundation of everything that I do? Overall, Piper’s message was wonderful, but it led to a lot of questions and anxiety for me. I kept asking myself questions…
…What if God’s glory isn’t at the bottom of my joy?
…How do I even know what’s at the bottom of my joy?
…How can I change the bottom of my joy?
…Am I really saved if God’s glory isn’t at the bottom of my joy?
On Monday, Scot texted everyone who went to the conference to let either him or Drew know if we wanted to get together to discuss anything from the conference, especially John Piper’s message. Of course, I said I wanted to so we met today. During our conversation about the conference, Scot said I reminded him a lot of himself.
He gave me the following two verses to consider:
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” – Romans 8:1 (ESV)
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)
I had heard these verses before, but I hadn’t thought about the fact that what I’ve been doing is considered self-condemnation. I have so much anxiety about a lot of things, and I’m so hard on myself instead of giving my worries to God and letting Him take care of them. That is really something that I need to work on; instead of being upset and dwelling on something, I need to ask God for help and ask Him to work in my life so that His will is done. I have a feeling that is much easier said than done..
Going to Extremes
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. It seems that most of my goals for the year have already gone out the window, and I just haven’t been the person that I want to be. I think part of it has to do with all of the snow days we’ve had lately, but I think it also runs deeper than that. That’s just something that I’ll have to work on with God. However, I do have an idea of what I want my life to look like and what I think it’s supposed look like:
I want to have quiet time with God every day, no matter what. I want to spend time reading the Bible everyday. I want to be a morning person. I want to serve more. I want to eat healthy. I want to cook dinner for myself. I want to work out 4-5 days per week. I want to keep my house clean and my laundry caught up. I want to be more productive. I want to spend regular time reading, crocheting, and doing other things I love. I want to have stronger friendships. I want to be well-rounded. And most of all, I just want to be able to take care of myself.
I’m just not sure I know how to do any of this, let alone be able to do all of it at the same time. I think part of the reason is that I have a tendency to be very extreme; it’s very hard for me to do things in moderation. I’m not sure why this is. Alcoholism runs in my family so maybe it’s part genetics; maybe I was just born predisposed to have an addictive personality. Regardless of that, I believe God can help me learn to live differently. I think it’s just going to take a lot of prayer and a lot of baby steps. But most of all, it’s going to take a daily commitment to allow God to transform me and my life.
I Like Fruit
Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been making sure that I spend time with God every day. I can honestly say that it has changed my life. Two of the things I’ve been thanking God for lately are the peace & joy that I’ve felt. Having a history of depression, anxiety, self-image/eating issues, and a jumbled family, those are two things that I haven’t really experienced a lot of throughout the course of my life, especially joy. Of course I’ve been happy and had fun, but true joy–the kind that you feel just because you’re alive–is something very new to me.
Last night at YG, one of my high school girls was teaching about one of the fruits of the Spirit. Being a new Christian, I didn’t know what they were so I asked. The answer: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I didn’t really think too much about how it applied to me until she started talking about peace. As she went through lesson, she said those things are evidence of the Holy Spirit living inside of you and working in your life. When she said that, it really hit me; I really am a Christian. A few times last year, I kind of wondered if I was really saved because I didn’t “feel it” most of the time. I now know that I wasn’t ever not saved, and God didn’t go anywhere; He didn’t move; He wasn’t keeping His distance.. I was. I told the girls a little bit about my experience in general and told them to really take to heart what was said and that it was real. I felt so blessed to be able to speak about something like that from experience.
I went home after YG and decided to do my Breaking Free Bible study. I hadn’t done anything with it since Christmas day because I had been focusing on other studies, readings, etc. When I got to the lesson, I was a little bit floored.. the main Scripture for the lesson was Isaiah 26:3. Of course it was about peace.. God is awesome like that. It made me realize that I have these things in my life–joy & peace–because I’m finally giving Him my worries or concerns, being honest with how I feel & what I want, and trusting that He will transform me into who I need to be and lead me to where I need to be for His purposes.
Broken Into Wholeness 