Snapshots

It’s amazing how things that are so far-removed from your everyday life still have amazing power over you when you’re alone, it’s quiet, and the lights are out or when you’re just driving on the highway or just going about your day.

One of my ex-boyfriends just got engaged not too long ago. I was kind of expecting it, so I wasn’t too surprised. I felt prepared to log onto Facebook and see it (since that’s how everyone finds out anything about anyone). What I wasn’t prepared for was how it would affect me..

Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of things that I’ve done in the past. Whenever an ex-boyfriend pops up in my head, memories–ones that sometimes I wish I could forget–come flooding into my head like a box full of snapshots being dumped on the ground. I know this is happening because they weren’t just boyfriends; they were my husbands in God’s eyes. But for some reason, finding out that he is engaged has been so difficult that it’s bringing all of this up. He was who I pictured my life with, who I began planning my life around, and who I cried and agonized over for months after we broke up. Although I’m grateful for the difficult experiences in my life because they were what brought me to God, I think a small part of me still misses him and what we had together. Most of my flashbacks are of memories that I have from our relationship–parts of our relationship that were meant only for marriage. I had another flashback tonight, but this one was a little different.

After I had the flashback, my mind flipped to something that my pastor Jim had told me a while ago, and I felt like a little piece of my heart broke.

I met with Jim almost 2 months ago to discuss some things I had been struggling with. I told him how I want to get married and have a family, that I know my life wouldn’t be happier or easier with a husband, and that I’m not sure why I have such a desire for a marriage. I told him I’m scared to be in a relationship. I told him that I’m still owning and identifying myself by the things I did in the past. I told him that I think I sometimes settle for guys who fit my old standard because I don’t feel like I’m “Christian” enough for a truly godly man. After I poured my heart out to him, he asked me a few questions..

Jim: “You have a long history of relationships? Starting at about the age of 15?”

Me: “13”

Jim: “Sexually active?”

I nodded.

Jim: “At what age?”

Me: “16”

From there, he went on to describe what he would say to his son if he wanted to marry me..

“Son, she’s a sweet girl.. a godly girl.. but you do need to know that she has a past. You can’t hold that against her because God has forgiven her, but it will be something that you’ll have to work through if you marry her. Don’t be surprised if someday you wake up beside her and feel resentment because someone else has been there before.”

Then, Jim told me that there are Christian guys who will only date girls who have never done anything “wrong,” but there are also more mature ones who will see what God has done in my life. He told me I don’t want someone who is going to hold my past against me, but I don’t want someone who will gloss over it either because that means “they don’t think much of sin.”

“You want whoever you marry to mourn over your past with you.”

But the main thing that sticks out from that conversation is Jim mimicking what my future husband might say to me as I’m looking down & crying, telling me to look at him, and saying,

“Sweetheart, you are white as snow.”

It was probably one of the most uncomfortable, humbling, amazing moments of my life. It also made it so much more clear what it would be like for Jesus to say that to me. That’s what my mind flipped to after my flashback tonight. Jesus. Crying with his face in his hands. Mourning over my lost purity. And my heart broke. I kept praying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  And then I pictured Jesus telling me I’m white as snow. Washed. Pure. Clean.

I know who I am in God because of what Jesus has done for me. And I’m so tempted to say, “But…” and follow it with a million statements like, “I’ve messed up so bad,” “I still struggle with flashbacks of my past,” “I’m still a total screw-up,” etc. The reality is:

Yes, I’ve messed up.

Yes, I still struggle with flashbacks of my past.

Yes, I’m still a total screw-up.

…BUT…

I’ve got a Savior who’s sacrifice is bigger than all of it.

A Woman After God’s Own Heart

We had another relationship night at the Brook. It was pretty much amazing. Four couples from the church talked to us about what qualities you should look for in a partner as well as how to be a Godly partner. It was really neat hearing everyone’s opinions on marriage, and I really learned a lot. Here are the couples so you have a better idea of where they’re all coming from (I included only their initials because I’m not sure if they would want such personal information floating around the internet):

R.V. & R.V: early-mid 20’s; married 3 years

D.M & A.M: mid-late 20’s; married 4 years

B.S & M.S: mid 30’s; married 16 years

J.W & R.W: early-mid 40’s; married 21 years

We split up into guys & girls, and the married women talked to the girls about what they looked for or what they love about their husbands (and the married men talked to the guys about the same thing). Then, we switched, and the married men talked to all the girls about what they love about their wife and, basically, how to be a Godly woman (and the married woman did the same with the guys). Here is what I took away from each person. The information may not seem very cohesive, but it’s good stuff 🙂

QUALITIES TO LOOK FOR IN A HUSBAND:

R.V: (1) Make a list of the qualities that you want in a husband. Then, flip the page over and make a list of the qualities of the woman that would go with that man. Then, work on becoming the woman that goes with that man. You need to become the person you should be in a marriage before you find your husband. (2) Find someone who is passionate about God and helping lost people and who you can share the gospel with. Unless you’re both working for God, it won’t be the marriage you want it to be; you’ll both be going in different directions, and it’ll be very hard for you as a Christian woman to submit to and follow a man who isn’t putting God first. (3) Find someone who has a genuine kindness about them and who has a serving spirit. How do they treat their mother? How do they treat their servers, cashiers, and other people who are helping them? These are all very big indicators of how you’ll be treated after the “honeymoon stage” is over.

A.M.: (1) Look for someone with integrity, who you can trust with big and small things. A man who is willing to lie or neglect to tell you about the small things won’t be easily trusted with the big things. (2) As a Christian, your relationship is something people are going to watch to see what you’re doing; be aware that you’re both very visible. For this reason, let your relationship be a good example for both Christians and non-Christians of what an appropriate dating relationship should be like (i.e., no sex, no sleeping over, etc.) (3) Find someone who cherishes you, loves you, and serves you no matter what. While A.M. was pregnant with their daughter, D.M. would make it a point to bring her flowers & tell her she looked beautiful just as he did before she was pregnant, especially when she was nearing the end of her pregnancy when most women feel far from beautiful.

M.S.: (1) Find someone who will be committed to you for the long haul. When B.S. realized their relationship was headed toward marriage, one of the first things he told her was that divorce was not an option and was never going to be an option regardless of what happened. He expected them both to be in it for life and to keep the promises they made to each other on their wedding day. (2) Find someone who has a desire to grow spiritually & continually improve their relationship with Christ. This does not mean they never have questions, doubts, or struggles. It does mean, however, that they will always fall back on their relationship with God and have an inner desire and drive to improve that relationship.

R.W.: (1) Find someone who will be a spiritual leader; your husband will either lead you toward God or away from God. (2) Find someone who is gracious. No one is perfect; everyone will mess up from time to time, and you need someone who will forgive you, who understands that they should give the grace that has been given to them by God, and who will let you be imperfect. (3) Find someone with an unwavering eye. As mentioned in my last post, a man’s standard of beauty should be his wife; he should only have eyes for you. (And yes, there are men like this out there. They may be few and far-between in some settings, but they are there.) (4) Find someone who will be a missionary to your family (if you don’t come from a Christian home).

HOW TO BE A GODLY WOMAN:

R.V.: (1) Shortly after becoming engaged, R.V.’s wife said to him, “You’re not my God. I don’t have an overwhelming need for you in my life. I’m never going to hold you at a standard you’ll never be able to meet. If you mess up, my world isn’t going to fall apart.” The point is that a guy isn’t the end-all, be-all to a girl; you are complete in Christ. No person will ever be able to fill the need you have for a relationship with God so you should never hold them to that standard. (2) As a woman, you need to be willing to stand up to your husband (respectfully) and be the voice of reason in your marriage. Most men, especially younger ones, have a tendency to let their imaginations run wild and come up with all kinds of ideas that may not be the most practical for real life. When this happens, don’t be a pushover; you should be able to go to your husband and bring him back down to Earth. (3) Make your marriage a ministry for others. This is somewhat related to what (the female) R.V. (:)) was talking about when she said to look for someone who is passionate about serving God and helping lost people. As a couple, you have 2 brains, 2 hearts, 4 hands, and 4 feet to serve. Use those to your advantage.

D.M.: (1) Make sure you are intentional about not manipulating your husband; this means no games, no eye-rolling, no silent treatments, and no working for yourself in the marriage. Women are very good at manipulating men, especially when men are emotionally involved. (2) Don’t be materialistic. D.M. said one of his favorite things about A.M. is that she doesn’t like “stuff.” She doesn’t place too much value in possessions or spending money when she doesn’t need to. She would rather use that money to serve and help further God’s kingdom.

B.S.: (1) Just as M.S. said, be committed to your marriage & raising a Godly family. (2) Try your best to continually improve your relationship with God and to honor God in everything you do; as you work to honor God more, your marriage relationship will automatically improve.

J.W.: (1) Give grace freely, even when your husband doesn’t deserve it; understand that he is only human and will mess up just as you will. It’s inevitable. (2) Fear the Lord. (This does not mean to literally be scared of God. Although His wrath is part of Him, His love far outweighs it.) This is what J.W.’s favorite thing about his wife is. R.W. is constantly pursuing God and showing her respect and reverence for Him by reading her Bible, praying for people, helping with church functions, mentoring young women, and spreading the Word whenever she can.